I awoke on October 18, 2011, eager to see my mother, who decided to fly up for my first doctor’s appointment. As soon as I saw her flurry of red hair and big black coat, I relaxed, instantly falling into a hug. She came bearing gifts. “I hope this isn’t taboo,” she said, as she handed over our first onesies, little butter and white hats and tiny mittens for the baby. I fingered the soft material, unable to believe that this could be for the infinitesimal being growing inside me.
She also gave me the pink dress I was brought home in and one of my favorite children’s books that’s no longer in print. The dress instantly made me think of my grandmother, and how much I miss her. She, almost more than anyone, would be so happy to know that I am pregnant.
We took my mom to get her Starbucks fix and then headed to Northwestern, situated just off of Lakeshore Drive. The frigid temperature and warm tea in my hand didn’t calm my nerves. Every time I see a doctor’s office, I get nervous. My blood pressure spikes, I start to sweat, and I just generally fear “bad” things are around the corner. It’s rare you go for something positive, and for this circumstance, I was thankful.
In my forgetful state, I seemed to have brought everything but my driver’s license for the woman at check-in. Luckily, the front desk woman (who happened to be from Nashville) let me hand her a miniature business card instead.
“Who this?” she asked.
“That’s me. Sorry, it’s all I have.”
“Okay, child. Okay!”
I was called back right on time, and Alex went with me, our first pre-natal visit as soon-to-be parents. I instantly thought of all the things we’ve done together – from deciding to move in together on our own, to getting engaged, to planning and paying for our own wedding, to getting a puppy, and now this – starting a family. The only constant is that we’ve done it our way, and I know this will be no exception.
As we were carted back, I faced the scale, removing my boots and my scarf (whatever would help). Miraculously, I was still the same weight as last month when I first found out: 128.2. “I can’t believe I weigh the same,” I said, feeling the swell in my belly and my massive boobs.
After taking my blood pressure, we were carted off to meet Dr. Chen, a sliver of a woman who looked not more than 30 years old, but had a very professional “air” about her. We talked, she collected my medical history, told me I should get a flu vaccine (to which I responded “never”) and then we went for our full exam.
I undressed, putting on the pink gown that opened in the front and draped the paper cloth I can never remember what to do with across my lap. How strange to have your husband in the room, when this is a ritual I’ve been doing by myself since I was fifteen.
“It’s your first pap smear!” I told Alex.
He came and stood by my head as Dr. Chen performed a regular pap and then inserted the large wand for my first ultrasound. My heart pounded nervously as I anticipated what she might see. She turned the screen to us and showed us the outline of my uterus and there, inside of it, was our little walnut (literally, it looks like a walnut) and the beating heart that brought tears to his eyes.
As she was measuring, she said it appeared I was only 7.5 weeks and not the 9 weeks my period suggested I should be. I explained that I have longer cycles (around 35 days) and that we know the exact day this happened, which would make me exactly 7.5 weeks. She scheduled me for a dating ultrasound the next week to determine the exact due date and measurements, but it looked like this little poptart will be born sometime in late May.
I dressed and we went back to her office, where she went through the run down of the genetic testing available. “Would you abort a baby if it had Down’s Syndrome?” she asked.
I looked to Alex, baffled.
“I honestly don’t know,” I said. “We haven’t discussed it.”
“If you think you would abort it, then you should probably get testing.”
Apparently, there are two types of tests: screening and diagnostic – one will give me a probability. The other will be a certainty. She ticked off what they would do (and that the main risk of the diagnostic was miscarriage), and I told her there was no way I was having a needle stuck into my belly. After leaving, we concluded not to do the testing. Call me naive, but I don’t feel we need it.
The rest of the day passed in a blur, in texting pics to my close friends and family and having a delicious Italian dinner (of what I could stomach anyway) at Francesca’s. I was sad to see my mother go the next morning – so much so, that we have been contemplating moving to Nashville, if only to have the emotional support of this massive transition. Whether that’s in two months or two years, I know that I want my child to grow up with my parents and close friends. I can’t imagine doing this without them.
We have time, of course – plenty of time to figure it out. But, seeing that little flicker of a heartbeat onscreen has given me a new sense of urgency… one that I never knew existed.
I am ready for the challenges ahead. The uncertainty, the fear, the excitement – it’s what life has always been about, and this is no exception.
We will do it together.
We had the same reaction as you re: the down syndrome testing… I am not having a needle stuck through my belly! This doesn’t mean I am ready to raise a child with down syndrome, but I feel as though my baby will be better off without aggressive tests.
I have decided to forgo our first scan (the 12 weeks), mostly for this reason (and also because I feel we don’t know the long-term effects of ultrasound on foetus), however the midwives have been pretty much convinced me to do the 20 weeks scan (in 4 weeks)… Seeing your photo makes me really look forward to it!
I completely relate! We are not prepared to raise a child with Down’s either, but I feel like if that’s what’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. They didn’t even have that testing twenty years ago, so I just want to to this naturally and see what happens!
Ugh, I totally know what you mean about the ultrasound. I’ve had 2 now, and they don’t know about the safety. I’ll get my next one at 20 weeks as well. The baby will actually have a FACE by then!
So crazy to think about. It’s such a fast little process too. I think you will really enjoy it.
I got a “dating” scan a week after this one and the baby had already doubled in size. Kind of insane how each day your body literally changes.
I’m so excited for your journey. Quick question: how’s your eating been? I find that I am ravenous (but still nauseous) and my normal vegan fare just isn’t cutting it. My protein sources like seeds and beans just aren’t doing it, and don’t often sound good, as well as the good grains like quinoa and millet.
I’m kind of panicking, because I can feel I need more food, but the only things that sound good are things I don’t eat.
I hear it’s very normal to be all over the place with your eating on your first trimester. You were a healthy and active person up until you got pregnant and at this point optimal nutrition is nothing to worry about (unless you really can’t keep anything down, by I get this is not your case…).
If you read “The vegan pregnancy survival guide” by Sayward Rebhal (you can also follow her blog here http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/), she says that before she got pregnant she had all these optimal pregnancy diet plans to give her baby the best when the time would come but found herself so sick in the first trimester that all she could eat for weeks was popcorn!
It’s ok, once the sickness goes (and it will), you will find a normal appetite again and bring back the good nutritious stuff!
What kind of food do you fancy eating at the moment?
On really bad days, I had the odd bag of salt and vinegar crisp or veggie samosa. I didn’t feel great about eating the fried processed crap but it really sorted me out at the time.
And yeah I totally craved non-vegan things (cream cheese and salmon bagel anyone?). Some would say my body was asking for the animal protein but I believe I was craving texture, saltiness and lemony things
I also found myself craving ham and cheese baguette (that’s because I am French and this is the easy and comforting food I grew up with)… talk about optimal nutrition! I managed to make it through and satisfy that sort of craving with vegan bacon or sausage sandwiches from my local health store.
This is another bogger who had it pretty rough on the first trimester (and beyond) and still made it through http://www.dailygarnish.com/pregnancy
I’m glad to read that scans are also something you are not too comfortable with but you had 2 anyway. I feel really torn by my decision, because as a result of not having had any scan yet, I have never seen my fetus and have no idea how it’s doing. I keep hearing stories of woman finding out that their babies didn’t make it on their first scan… that though wakes me up in the middle of the night, and keeps me wondering if my Juanito/a is ok. I wish I could say I am 100% comfortable with my decision, but the truth is I am not
First of all, I think it’s great that you’re weighing out all the pros and cons, but don’t worry AT ALL. I’ve actually never read of any health related risks with ultrasounds – or read about babies being affected down the line. If it makes you feel better, they are literally passing that wand over your belly for about 60 seconds. I think the “pros” of it are that you CAN see the baby, and they can take measurements to see if your baby is growing on time and in the right amounts, which is important.
It will give you piece of mind to see your baby, fully formed, in there. Don’t worry for a single second. I think you should trust your decision and go for it!
As always, thank you for all the links!!! I truly appreciate them. My food intake is slowly getting better: oatmeal with hemp seeds and almond butter for breakfast, my VEGA shake full of spinach, pumpkin, banana and chia seeds post-workout, homemade energy bars, salads (when I can stomach them) and homemade soups, chili and vegan mac and cheese. However, I’ve also been eating “fake” chicken patties (which I never do), as well as cereal (even though it’s slightly healthier, but still) and bread and peanut butter. I think it’s going to turn around soon… I know it’s only temporary!!
Seriously, I wish we lived in the same space – so much to talk about!
We’re actually supposed to visit some friends in London in January – still trying to figure out all the logistics! I would move there tomorrow if I could.
When is your ultrasound scheduled for?
Oh Rea I wrote you a long comment last night and my pregnant brain must have closed the window before posting it
I was telling you that my scan was schedule for the 16th of December (I’ll be starting week 20) and I’m leaving the UK on the 9th of January. I don’t actually live in London, I live in Brighton, on the South coast, one hour from London by train (which I know for you North Americans, is nothing)… when are you thinking in coming to London then?
I was also saying that I agree, it would be amazing to have you nearby, it sounds like we are very like-minded… and your due date is actually pretty close to mine as I am due on May the 4th (which better be the day I pop out because my husband is very excited at the idea of having a baby on Starwars day… May the force be with you…get it?).
Sounds like you are managing really good food!Thank goodness for green shakes in which you can hide your greens… and thank goodness for Vega products (do you love Brendan Brazier as much as I love him?, I can’t wait to be back in North America to get some vega powder again!)
Don’t worry about fake chicken… I have been eating vegan bacon and sausages as if they were going out of fashion (in sandwiches with vegan mayo no less)… hell, I almost bought vegan cheese once because I was given a sample and I found the plastic taste absolutely divine! The price brought me back to my sense and I put it back on the shelf. And yes bread and all that. I was doing really well eating a diet high in raw foods before I got pregnant and I haven’t really been able to sustain that in the first trimester of my pregnancy, because I have been craving proper cooked dishes (lentils, chili, pasta). Then I decided that in the grand scheme of things, those were still healthy options they are vegan, made from organic ingredients and cooked from scratch by myself.
A raw food author/chef I know (Kate Magic Woods if you’ve heard of her, she practices in the same Bikram studio as me) said to me the other day that it was really important to keep having flax and/or hemp seeds every day (I have flax in my morning smoothie), a green powder (I started off on wheatgrass and I am now on spirulina), lecithin (I use soy lecithin to make my almond milk), an adaptogen such as maca, ashwanga or reichi and coconut oil (which I spread all over my body to moisturise). She also said that a great supefood during pregnancy is MSM as it helps with relaxing your muscles and with the elasticity of your skin (hello stretch maarks)
I hope that helps! As always, I’m looking forward to your next post!
Hello! Pregnancy brain is REAL, isn’t it? There’s actually a condition called “pregnesia” that we get – a pregnancy amnesia. Yippee.
It’s so great we are due in the same month! I am so excited to hear how your scan goes! I’m having my 20 week scan January 12, which will put me at the end of 20 weeks. Are you finding out the sex of the baby??
I am OBSESSED with Brendan Brazier. VEGA health food optimizer is a lifesaver, as are his no-bake energy bars that I live by. Have you read his new one, Thrive Foods? It’s pretty wonderful.
I love all of those suggestions by Kate – incredibly helpful! Are you using vitamin E oil at all, or just coconut oil? I thought of using that the other day to start to spread over my stomach. I’ve been using something called Egyptian magic, but my stomach is naturally very “expandable” so I haven’t overly needed it as of yet.
I’ve never been to Brighton – always wanted to, though! My friend actually lives in London (not sure the exact location). I’m DYING to go back to Paris… I spent 6 weeks there for a writer’s workshop, and I cried because I didn’t want to come back. That was in 2007, and I still think about it everyday. You’re French, right? Where are you from?
I hope you have a great day! We’re hosting our first vegan Thanksgiving tomorrow for the hubby’s parents – should be interesting!
Oh yes I am from Paris actually! Beautiful city, I love going back there to visit my friends and family and cycle around with my husband, but I wouldn’t want to live there again. Big cities like that can be quite stressful
Brighton in the other hand is a really cool place to live in! It’s got a great music scene, theatres, festivals, stores, yoga studios and vegetarian/vegan places where to eat. Oh and it’s got the sea! If you come to London and have time, plan a day in Brighton (Email me and I’ll let you know of places where you should go for food
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I don’t have Brendan Brazier’s new book, but it’s on my list of things to get when I arrive in Montreal! I hear some fantastic chefs like Julie Morris have contributed to the book, so I can only imagine what a good raw vegan resource it is.
I’m only using pure coconut oil at the moment, I keep on hearing about vitamine E oil and then forgetting (pregnesia?) but I will put it on my list of thngs to get too. Do you have a particular brand you like to use?
Just saw the picture of your Thanksgiving dinner, I get it was a success
Brighton sounds absolutely delightful – I’d love to see it!! Brendan’s new book does have a lot of fantastic, simple recipes. I like that he had chefs submit healthy recipes – it adds a different layer of flavor, I think.
Coconut oil is amazing! I actually haven’t gotten vitamin E oil yet, because I can’t find it without a bunch of other crap in it. So, I am still on the hunt! I’ll let you know if I find some.
I hope you have a fabulous day!